Chapter 4

The expression on my face froze.

For one moment I actually wished I'd misheard.

But I knew perfectly well that this was real.

“So you gave me the medicine just so I'd go to orientation training?”

That was the thought in my head, and so that was what I asked.

She didn't catch the emptiness in my voice. She just said it like it was obvious.

“What else? You've taken the medicine, so stop making a fuss!”

“Does my life mean nothing at all?”

I looked at her, my voice stubborn as I asked.

Even as I asked it, I already had the answer.

But still I wanted them to give it to me to my face.

Good or bad, it didn't matter.

It was a pity that they wouldn't give me even that simple answer.

And this time was no exception.

“Stop dragging it out! Don't think you can get out of training by bringing all this up with me.”

“Anne, I'm warning you once. If you really don't want to do the training, we'll go withdraw you from school right now!”

It seemed she was always like this, forcing me to choose with a threat.

But I didn't want to give in anymore.

In every memory I had, I was the only one sacrificing.

Even though the leukemia wouldn't have held me back, in the end it became the thing that held me back most.

For one moment my head suddenly went clear.

The thing that had always kept me from moving forward was never my body.

It was them.

If I hadn't been forced into the fitness test, I wouldn't have scored a flat zero.

If not for this trade, Loretta and I never could have applied to the same college.

I clenched my fists, suddenly feeling like a fool.

I kept thinking about how they'd given birth to me. I kept thinking about how I'd been a burden to them.

And so I told myself, over and over, to endure and give way.

But the price of giving way was to give up my own life.

Honestly, I didn't want to, and I couldn't accept it.

So I set a firm look on my face and asked.

“Mom, are you sure you want me to go to training?”

Maybe she heard how serious I was, because her sizing-up gaze rested on me for a few seconds.

Then she asked, “What do you mean? Are you trying to threaten me?”

I wasn't threatening her. But I would make them regret it.

Before I could answer, though,

she went on, “Don't try to scare me! No matter what you say today, you're going to that training!”

“It doesn't matter if you ruin your own reputation, but if it comes out that your sister used your medical records, I'll never let you off!”

So the real reason they'd kept forcing me into all these activities.

It was only that they were afraid of that coming out.

I laughed to myself, bitter.

Was I not afraid of dying? They had never once cared about my life.

In that case, I'd let them feel the thing they were afraid of too.

So I tipped up the corner of my mouth and said sweetly, :

“Fine. I'll go to the training.”