Chapter 1

Jason Delgado died to save me, killed on the spot in a car crash.

His last words were only this:

‘Fiona Roman, take care of my sister for me.’

Jason's sister had leukemia, the rare universal-negative type, and so, as it happened, did I.

For five years,

I turned myself into nothing but a blood bank for Hester Delgado,

giving up my whole life,

living every day only to wait for a call from her that could come at any hour,

‘Sister, come to the hospital. I need blood again……’

The needle had ruined my arm, and years of transfusions had left me with severe anemia,

my hair falling out in clumps, my face gaunt, my whole body covered in horrifying red blotches.

But whenever I thought of how Jason had given his life for mine five years ago,

I felt this life of mine was exactly what the rest of it should be spent on.

Until this morning, when I woke unexpectedly in the middle of a transfusion after fainting,

and heard Hester's voice come through the door,

‘Jason, I'm almost well now. This game should be over. I want us to be together out in the open……’

And then, from beyond the door, came the voice that made my soul shudder,

‘All right. Your birthday's in three days. I'll spend it with you and then arrange for you to go abroad.’

‘But I can't leave yet. Fiona's situation still worries me a little. Once she's settled, we'll be together again……’

Every drop of blood in me froze in an instant.

So Jason had never died at all.

So Hester had never been his sister, not from the very start.

But Jason, I don't need you to settle anything for me anymore.

Because my life is about to reach its end……

1

‘What is there to worry about?’

Hester's voice changed pitch at once, trembling, full of accusation and hurt,

and almost in the same moment,

Jason pulled her tight against him,

his eyes full of tenderness, his voice unbearably gentle,

‘All right, Hester, I know exactly what's on your mind……’

‘But these five years, Fiona really has given up too much for you. It's not far from a life for a life. I can't just abandon her completely……’

I forced myself to turn over on the hospital bed,

and saw that familiar back, turned away from me, gently wiping the tears from Hester's face.

Five years and seventy-eight days.

Nearly every night I dreamed of the day of the crash.

That day we'd just come out of the bridal shop after a dress fitting.

Jason's car was parked at the mall across from the shop.

He held my hand tight, the way he always did, leading me across the street,

still chattering away, praising my good taste,

‘Fiona, I love all five of the suits you picked out for me. How does my wife have such an eye……’

His voice was as gentle then as it had just been with Hester.

He'd bent down the same way to press a kiss to my cheek.

But before the warmth of that kiss had even faded,

a truck ran the red light and came straight at me,

and almost in the blink of an eye,

Jason threw his arms around me and shoved me hard toward the curb,

while he, like a rag torn loose,

was thrown a dozen yards by that truck.

Everywhere I looked there was thick blood, great sheets of red bursting open before my eyes,

and the reek hanging in the air, five years on, has never faded……

That massive shock gave me PTSD outright,

and later it progressed to severe depression with mania.

But for the sake of Jason's dying words, I didn't dare take medication,

and I stayed Hester's blood bank for five years and seventy-eight days.

Yet today, he told me himself that it was all just a game staged to save his lover……

A crushing tightness surged up from my chest,

my limbs began to spasm and shake without stopping,

the feeling of dying wrapped around me all at once.

I was going into an episode……

For the transfusions, I couldn't take my medication……

Almost on instinct,

I clenched my fist fast and shoved it into my mouth,

and at the same time my teeth bit down, out of my control,

a great flood of salt and iron spreading across my mouth,

and that piercing pain finally cleared my head a little……

‘Jason, tell me, do you still care about her?!’

Hester's shrill voice dragged me back.

Through the dim yellow light of the hospital corridor,

I saw her body shaking with her sobs,

‘Jason Delgado, answer me!’

I should have given up long ago, yet still, weak as I was, I turned to look toward the door.

‘No!’

Jason's hoarse, aching voice carried in from beyond the door,

‘It's not like that, Hester, don't overthink it……’

‘She's the fiancée my family arranged for me. I have to give them some kind of answer……’

In the huge mirror in front of me,

I saw the bitter smile on my ghost-white face……

The tears fell in great sheets,

mixing with the salt and iron in my mouth into one taste, so bitter……

So that lingering bit of concern,

that last scrap of conscience,

was there only because I was the fiancée his family had arranged.

Five years ago, crossing the street, before the truck hit,

the ‘I love you’ he'd said in my ear circled back again and again,

the one thing that had held me up these five years,

and in this very moment, it came crashing down……

Almost without control, numbly, I climbed up off the surgical bed,

and passing that huge mirror,

I looked back at my own wretched self, swimming inside the hospital gown,

then walked to the door with heavy steps,

I slowly pulled the door open from inside, and in a hoarse voice called out the name I had called countless times in my dreams,

‘Jason Delgado……’