Chapter 1

When it came time to submit college applications, my parents made a point of calling my sister home, six months pregnant, to help decide.

"Your sister already had it hard, leaving home. You should stay close and have an easy life."

They went through every college catalog and settled on a nursing associate's degree right on our doorstep.

My sister nodded along, and I did as I was told.

Three years later, when my classmates were all out doing internships, my parents kept me at home.

"Don't bother working. We'll take care of you."

"And don't rush into marriage either. You're soft. You'd only get pushed around at your in-laws'."

I obeyed again. I used the nursing skills I'd learned to look after my paralyzed grandmother and to watch my sister's children.

Five years passed. I worked day and night, worn down until my hair went gray early.

And my sister became a respected leader, while my parents became the devoted family everyone praised.

Later, I fell ill and never got up again.

Near the end, my parents saw the worry knotted on my face.

"We've always favored you in everything. We never pushed you to earn money, never pushed you to marry. What more could you want?"

I couldn't work it out, and I couldn't answer.

Why was it that everything they called "good" left me this miserable?

When I opened my eyes again, I was back on the day of submitting applications.

There was a voice in my heart.

【This time, I'm going far away, and I'm never coming back……】

1.

"I don't want to stay close to home. I'm going out of state."

The words were out before I knew it, and even I froze for a second.

In my past life, I'd swallowed this for five whole years.

Now it came out just like that, easy as anything.

"What did you say?"

My mother's smile froze.

"You don't want to be near home? What's so great about out of state!"

My father's face went hard too.

"Nonsense!"

He pointed at my sister.

"Do you have any idea how much your sister sacrificed for you again?"

"Her work is so important, and she's carrying a baby, and she still came all the way back to help with your applications. And this is how you act?"

I turned and looked at my sister, sitting across from me.

One hand braced on her high, swollen belly, her eyes were hard to read.

For as long as I could remember, my parents always said it.

"Gay Henson, your sister has put up with a lot for your sake."

I knew they had a point.

When we were young, if my sister's grades slipped, my father took a cane to her.

When I failed a test, my parents only smiled.

"It's fine. Gay's still little. Being happy is what matters."

My sister's weekends were packed with tutoring and every kind of competition.

My weekends, I spent playing games on my phone as long as I liked.

My sister's room was stacked with textbooks and workbooks.

My room, the closet was crammed with plushies and Barbie dolls.

Everyone said my parents favored me.

Even with the college applications, it was the same.

They told my sister to apply out of state.

"Young people should learn to work hard. Don't be afraid of being far from home. If you don't push yourself, how will you protect your little sister?"

Five years passed, and now it was my turn to apply.

They called my sister home on purpose, just to help me pick a major that was close and easy.

They really were good to me. So good that even on my deathbed, I believed that love was real.

So why wasn't I the least bit happy?

I remember, right after I graduated, my classmates and I talked about interning in another city.

My parents took hold of me, hearts aching.

"An internship is too hard. Better to stay home. We'll take care of you."

My classmates all envied me, said my parents were the most open-minded parents in the world.

But the day after I moved back home, they had a "job" all lined up for me.

Looking after my paralyzed grandmother, and minding my sister's two-year-old.

"Didn't you study nursing? Now you can put it into practice. This is what a real internship looks like."

So I was busy from six in the morning to eleven at night, like a machine that never stopped turning.

When my sister's child cried in the night, I held it and soothed it. When my grandmother needed the toilet in the middle of the night, I was the one who helped her up and walked her there.

Day and night, I never slept through a single night, worn down until my hair went gray early.

The time I collapsed from exhaustion, one thought surfaced in my head for the first time.

"Are my parents really doing this for my own good?"

But the next second, I shook my head and stamped it out.

They didn't need me to earn money, they were willing to support me, they asked nothing of me. Wasn't that good enough?

The second year after I graduated, my sister had her second child.

Alone, I looked after my grandmother, took the older one to and from school, and rocked the little one to sleep, run off my feet from morning to night.

Later, people heard how dutiful and devoted I was, and matchmakers came asking on someone's behalf.

But my parents turned every one of them away.

"Gay is honest and dutiful, and she's got such a soft nature. She'd only get pushed around at her in-laws'."

"We can't bear to see her suffer. We'd rather keep her with us our whole lives."

When word got out, everyone praised them.

"No pressure to marry, no pressure to work. Truly a model for parents these days."

"I dream of parents like that. Gay Powell is so lucky!"

But was that really true?

I served as nurse, nanny, housekeeper, and cook for five full years, and I didn't have a single cent to my name.

On my twenty-fifth birthday, I had my eye on a red scarf. A hundred and twenty-nine dollars.

I put my hand out to my parents for the money, and they frowned.

"The household has a lot of expenses. Don't be so free with money."

"Your sister has a brown one. You can make do with that."

When I wanted to buy a coat in winter, my parents were unhappy again.

"You're home all day. Clothes just need to be comfortable. No need to put on airs."

Later, when I fell ill and couldn't get up, my uncle came to see me.

He'd only been there a while before he lost his temper out in the living room.

"The two of you don't look after your own mother, don't mind your own grandkids, and you dump it all on Gay alone. Her whole life has been ruined by you!"

My father clearly wasn't having it.

"We didn't send her out to slave away at some job. She only looks after the family. That's already the good life!"

My mother's voice went sour too.

"A nurse costs money. A housekeeper costs money. Gay studied nursing. It saves the expense and we can trust her. What's wrong with that?"

"Good? Then why don't you have Celeste Powell do it?"

My uncle's voice was cold.

"Gay may be adopted, but even so, you've been far too unfair to her!"

Adopted.

My mind went blank with a roar.

Before I could even begin to make sense of it, my eyelids sank shut.

Now, I understand it all.

Staying close, studying nursing, none of it was ever for me.

It was for my paralyzed grandmother, for my sister's children, to save the cost of a nurse and a housekeeper.

My life had been mapped out long ago.

Even my college applications had been engineered.

Now, I was back on this day again.

I gritted my teeth and said it again.

"I've made up my mind. I'm going out of state for school!"