Chapter 4

Director Lambert looked helpless. "Naomi, I know Paddy's complaint upset you, but everyone's seen what you can do. The suspension is just procedure."

I pushed the resignation letter back across the desk.

"I've submitted my application for the Africa posting. There's nothing here worth staying for."

On the way back to the hotel, I passed the bakery beside the hospital. My favorite tiramisu was still sitting in the window.

Paddy used to buy a slice every time he came to pick me up. "My Dr. Cooley wears her brain out in surgery. She needs something sweet, so her life stays sweet."

I pushed the door open. The clerk recognized me and smiled. "Mr. Henson isn't with you today?"

I smiled back. "He won't be coming anymore."

Over the next few days, Paddy and I both left each other alone, as if by agreement.

A few days before I left, I went home to get the visa and passport I'd left in the safe.

The fingerprint lock hadn't been changed. I pushed the door open.

Noreen was curled up on the couch playing a game. Paddy sat on the rug, peeling an apple for her.

He'd cut the pieces into the shape of little rabbits and was feeding them to her mouth.

When I walked straight toward the study, Noreen said sweetly, "Paddy, is your ex-wife here to pick up her things?"

Paddy moved to stop me. "Naomi, what do you need? I'll help you find it."

"Noreen's been in a bad mood these past few days. She doesn't like strangers in the house."

I had already made up my mind to leave, and still my heart clenched, out of my control.

I didn't turn around. I opened the safe with the ease of habit. "Don't trouble yourself. I'll take my things and go."

I clutched the document envelope and straightened up. Somehow Noreen had followed me over without my noticing.

She let out a cry and threw herself to the floor, pretending I'd knocked her down.

"Paddy, she pushed me..."

Before I could expose her clumsy act, Paddy shoved me hard.

My belly slammed into the corner of the desk, and a sharp, wrenching pain tore through my abdomen.

I curled up on the floor. Something warm and sticky seeped out below, soaking through my jeans.

Paddy crouched down, panicked, his eyes full of fear. "Naomi, are you okay..."

Then he finally noticed the curve of my swollen belly. His pupils shrank.

"You're pregnant! Why didn't you tell me..."

I opened my mouth, then said through my teeth, "What good would telling you have done? Would you have given her up for this baby?"

Paddy went white and reached out to hold me.

But I pushed myself up off the floor and rose, through the pain.

The blood on my jeans ran all the way down to my calf.

Paddy came after me and grabbed my wrist. "Naomi, let me take you to the hospital. This is our baby!"

Then Noreen suddenly clutched her chest and crumpled, her face going gray, her breathing fast.

"Paddy, I can't breathe..."

Paddy let go of my wrist and turned, throwing himself toward her. "Don't be scared. I'll take you to the hospital."

The door closed behind them, and I was left standing alone in the blood.

A moment ago, when the hesitation had surfaced in his eyes, I'd actually let myself imagine he might choose me.

I dragged the back of my hand hard across my eyes. They were red and swollen and aching.

I was still stupidly hoping the scales would tip toward me.

I took a cab to the hospital and had the D&C.

I recovered for two days. Paddy didn't make a single call, didn't send one text.

Noreen, on the other hand, kept updating her feed.

They went out to a cabin in the woods, and Paddy caught fireflies for her.

There was Noreen's hand resting in Paddy's palm, the huge diamond ring on her finger glaring at me.

She even sent me a message to taunt me.

In the photo Paddy lay facedown on a hotel bed with his eyes closed, "Property of Noreen" written across his back in red lipstick.

[Paddy says you deserved the miscarriage. The kid would've ended up in a single-parent home anyway. Better for everyone that you leave sooner.]

I replied with no expression on my face.

[Want to guess whether Paddy would still love you if he knew you faked being sick to trick him?]

She didn't dare reply after that.

On the day I left, Paddy did something rare and sent me a message.

[Naomi, I know you're hurting. Once Noreen's better, I swear I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.]

But I wasn't as heartbroken as I'd imagined. I tapped block instead.

When the baby slipped out of my body, ten years of obsession drained away with it.

I dragged my suitcase through the boarding gate.

The joys and the betrayals of these ten years, I left all of it behind.