Chapter 4

It was past midnight when I got back to my parents' place.

Mom was sitting in the living room, Theresa's uploaded video playing on her phone.

She saw me, and she didn't ask where I'd been, or why my clothes were still soaked through.

She just killed the screen fast, her face pinched, and complained.

"It's all over the family group chat."

"You bawling like that. How are your dad and I supposed to show our faces after this?"

I stood in the doorway, my lips white with cold.

"Mom."

"I don't want to marry Daniel anymore."

Mom shot to her feet.

"What's gotten into you now?"

"He gets someone to treat your illness, and this is how you repay him, by calling off the engagement?"

"Theresa has a master's in psychology from overseas. Daniel did all this for your sake. How can you not tell right from wrong?"

Every muscle in me went rigid.

Mom kept on going.

"Besides, you were already ruined a long time ago. You're not clean anymore."

"Daniel didn't hold it against you. He's still willing to marry you. That's more than decent of him."

"You break it off with him now, and what normal man is ever going to take you on?"

Take me on.

So in Mom's eyes, I'd already become a soiled thing.

Daniel was willing to have me, so I should be down on my knees with gratitude.

I clamped my hands over my ears, and it felt like a thousand needles driving into my skull at once.

"Mom, stop it…"

"Why should I stop?"

Mom wrenched my hands away.

"You're a grown woman. You still need the whole world revolving around your sickness?"

"You're the one who walked down that alley at night. You're the one carrying on about wanting to die every single day."

"You get yourself into trouble, and the whole family has to eat the shame with you. Who are we supposed to complain to?"

I stared at her, dazed.

Even Mom had forgotten.

That night three months ago, Daniel had called out of the blue, asking me to bring a bid document to a hotel.

The meeting was half an hour from starting.

He was so panicked his voice had changed.

"Maya, this document decides whether the company survives or not."

"I can't get away right now. You're the only one I can ask."

A storm was pouring down outside, and there wasn't a car to be had.

Afraid I'd hold up his project, I clutched the document and ran three streets.

To save time, I cut through that alley.

Later, Daniel won the project on the strength of that document, and the company pulled through its crisis because of it.

But no one remembered why I'd been in that alley, at that exact hour, in the first place.

They only remembered that I'd been ruined.

That from then on I'd turned into a burden, fragile, giving everyone no peace.

Mom was still talking.

"Look how good Daniel's been to you."

"Those months you were in the hospital, he never left your side, didn't even change out of his clothes. He stopped going to the company altogether."

"You don't cherish a man like that, and one day you'll regret it."

Was Daniel good to me?

He really was.

The first night after it happened, I wouldn't let anyone near me.

So he sat two meters from the hospital bed and kept watch the whole night through.

Later, I was afraid to shower alone.

So he sat outside the bathroom door and talked to me.

I wouldn't turn off the lights, so he swapped every bulb in the house for warm ones and stayed awake with me all night, eyes open.

Once I jolted awake in the middle of the night and shoved him off the bed, out of control.

He split the corner of his forehead open, and he didn't blame me.

He just sat there on the floor, smiling at me through the pain.

"It's all right."

"It's all right if you never get better. I'll stay with you."

Back then, he truly held me in the palm of his hand.

So when Theresa said she wanted to treat me, I trusted them both without holding anything back.

But yesterday, in that alley.

It was this same man, who once asked my permission even for a hug, who let a few strangers put their hands inside my clothes.

Who agreed, on my behalf, to Theresa releasing that video.

His patience had lasted three months.

My nightmare might follow me the rest of my life.

The phone suddenly lit up.

Theresa had posted an update.

【First solo treatment, a complete success. Someone said I'd worked so hard he's rewarding me with a sunrise on the mountaintop.】

In the photo, Daniel was kneeling on one knee in front of her, head bowed, tying her shoelace.

A tent was pitched behind them.

String lights, champagne, a bonfire. They'd made the bare mountaintop romantic and warm.

Mom leaned in for a look, and something like satisfaction crossed her face.

"What a lovely girl Theresa is."

"Educated, capable, and such a bright personality on top of it."

"She gave up her job overseas just to treat you, and all you know how to do is cause her trouble."

She paused, then sighed.

"Honestly, if only Theresa were my daughter."

"At least she wouldn't be like you, making the whole family hang its head in shame."

In that instant, every voice crowded into my head at once.

"Scream louder."

"So what if you sacrifice a little privacy?"

"You've been unclean for a long time now."

"If only Theresa were my daughter."

I clamped my hands hard over my head.

But the voices only got louder.

Those clammy hands seemed to press against my body again, crawling slowly over every inch of my skin.

I scrubbed at my arms, frantic, not stopping even when my nails tore the skin.

"Stop talking…"

"Please, I'm begging you, stop…"

But Mom only frowned, impatient.

"Here we go again."

"Daniel's put up with you this long, and you still don't know when you're well off."

"Call him right now and apologize."

"Get down off your high horse. Beg him if you have to, but get that wedding back on."

Then, all at once, I couldn't hear.

The screaming, the laughter, the sobbing churning through my head all went quiet in that moment.

I lowered my hands, turned, and walked toward the balcony.

The railing was already loose, and the wind of the eighteenth floor came straight at my face.

Mom was still nagging behind me.

"Did you hear me?"

"You call Daniel right now."

Since Daniel already had someone he'd rather protect.

And Mom already had a daughter she'd rather have.

Then I shouldn't exist anymore.

Not until my body dropped into the dark did Mom's endless voice finally stop.

Behind me there was only one shrill scream.

"Maya!"