Chapter 2

The next morning, first thing, I went to a hospital in the South End.

The results showed I was nine weeks pregnant.

The doctor looked at my chart, her brow furrowed.

"You've had a myomectomy before, and this is a late first pregnancy, so you need to be extra careful with this one."

"Any light bleeding recently?"

I nodded.

"A little, a couple of days ago."

She handed the chart back to me.

"In your case, the moment the bleeding gets heavier, come to the hospital right away. Don't wait."

I clutched the paper tight.

"Is the baby all right now?"

The doctor smiled.

"Based on the chart, there's nothing wrong at the moment."

In that instant, my nose stung sharply.

It wasn't that I'd never thought about having a child all these years.

It was just that every time I brought it up, Lloyd had a reason.

When Alvin first came to live with us, he said the boy felt insecure. "How would he feel if we had one of our own right now?"

I waited two years.

When Alvin started elementary school, he said, who's going to pick him up and drop him off if you're pregnant?

Later I was diagnosed with uterine fibroids.

But Lloyd held me and said,

"It's okay. I don't care whether you can have children, as long as you're healthy."

Back then I was so moved I couldn't sleep all night.

I felt I couldn't possibly deserve to have married such a wonderful man.

Only now do I understand—of course he didn't care, because he'd had a son all along.

At noon, I carried a thermos into the ward.

The moment I pushed the door open, I saw Bella sitting at the edge of the bed.

Over the years she'd occasionally sent gifts at New Year's, or given Alvin some money on his birthday.

Lloyd's mother had always kept her from getting too close to the boy.

She said she was afraid Bella might get some sudden whim and take the child away.

I'd even helped guard against her for my mother-in-law.

Looking back now, it's laughable.

I set the thermos down.

"What are you doing here?"

She reached out and stroked the boy's hair.

"I heard Alvin had surgery, so I came to see him."

When Alvin saw me, he sat up right away.

"Mom, I'm hungry."

Bella's hand froze in midair, a trace of disappointment in her eyes.

I said nothing, just lowered my head to ladle out soup for Alvin.

Lloyd rushed back from the company soon after.

The moment he came in and saw Bella, his face darkened.

"Who told you to come?"

Bella stood up.

"My son is having surgery. Can't I come?"

Lloyd yanked the door open.

"Let's talk outside."

Bella followed him out.

I set down the spoon, waited a few seconds, then walked out of the ward too.

From the stairwell, Bella's voice carried out.

"It's been ten years, Lloyd."

"Back then I listened to your mother and didn't take him. Later you said Cynthia was taking good care of him, so I put up with it."

"Now my child is having surgery, and I can't even come see him?"

Lloyd's voice was cold.

"You were the one who didn't want him back then."

Bella let out a laugh, as if pushed past anger.

"Yes, I was scared back then."

"I had no job, no house, and I'd had a child with a married man."

"Your mother gave me money to leave, said that if the child stayed with the Matthews family, at least he'd live a normal life."

"But Lloyd, what gives you the right to pin all the blame on me?"

"When you slept with me, did you ever think about what would happen to this child once he was born?"

There was a buzzing in my ears.

So it wasn't some recklessness before the marriage—it was after.

Bella spoke again.

"Your mother used James as a shield for ten years. Aren't you afraid it'll catch up with you one day?"

Lloyd's voice dropped sharply.

"Enough. Don't ever bring this up again."

"Cynthia treats Alvin like her own son. Do you really have to destroy this family?"

Bella was silent for a few seconds.

"Then what am I?"

Lloyd sighed, then said,

"You'll get what's owed you. I won't give you any less."

I turned and went back into the ward.

Alvin was hugging the thermos, drinking his soup.

He looked up.

"Mom, it's good."

I took a tissue and wiped his mouth clean.

The gesture was no different from the past seven years.

The only difference was that my fingers wouldn't stop trembling.

That afternoon, Lloyd saw Bella off.

When he came back, he sat down naturally beside me.

"She didn't say anything, did she?"

I looked at him.

"Afraid she'd tell me something?"

Lloyd froze for half a second, then smiled.

"No, I'm just afraid she might suddenly try to take Alvin away."

He reached out and took my hand.

"Cynthia, I know you've put up with a lot for Alvin over the years."

"Once he's discharged, I'll make it up to you."

I lifted my head and looked at him.

"What if what I want is a child of my own?"