Chapter 4

Before my leave ended, I put in for a transfer.

From high-voltage repair in rural Montana to distribution maintenance inside the city.

More than four thousand less a month.

I never used to be able to give that up.

My parents' medication, the mortgage, the kids — every one of them cost money.

Marcella had begged me not to go, more times than I could count.

One year there was a bad snow in Montana, and my whole crew went dark for seventeen hours.

When the signal came back, I had forty-three missed calls on my phone.

Her last message was: 【Alfred, if you dare let something happen to you, I'll remarry tomorrow.】

I sat in the snow and laughed for a long time.

I always knew she loved me.

Which was exactly why I couldn't understand how she kept pushing our own son behind someone else, again and again.

The day the transfer came through, I rented a two-bedroom near the office.

My parents moved in for the time being to help me.

At the same time, I stopped the automatic transfer of twenty thousand I sent Marcella every month.

She called that same day.

"You turned off the transfers?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I'm raising Drew from now on."

"And the house?"

"Mortgage split down the middle. You pay your own utilities and HOA."

The line went quiet for a few seconds.

"Alfred, you're keeping the accounts this clean with me now?"

"Yes."

"I'm your wife!"

I was patting Drew's back to burp him.

"Which is why I'm still covering half the mortgage."

Eight in the evening, she found the rental.

Groceries in her hands.

My mother's face went cold the second she saw her.

"Don't trouble yourself. Looking after other people's children must have worn you out enough."

Marcella went pale for a beat, glancing at me on instinct.

Before, I would have smoothed it over without fail.

This time I didn't. She swallowed the humiliation and went into the kitchen.

Four dishes and a soup, all the things I like.

No ginger in the beef, no cilantro in the soup.

The ribs on the sweet side.

Marcella put a piece on my plate.

"You always used to say the mess hall in Montana put ginger in everything."

I didn't answer.

She looked at me, and all at once she was frantic.

"Alfred, I didn't forget everything."

"Your stomach acts up. You can't drink coffee on an empty stomach."

"The backs of your hands crack in winter."

"You run hot when you sleep. The AC can't go above seventy-five."

Her eyes went redder and redder.

"It's not that I don't love you."

I set down my chopsticks.

Her voice slowed.

"When Joy first came, I really only meant to help for a few days."

"Her mother was gone, and she wouldn't take formula."

"I didn't have a mother growing up either. You know that."

Marcella lost her mother at eight. Of course I knew why she went soft.

But going soft wasn't something you filled with Drew.

"Then Joy got more and more attached to me, and I kept thinking, Drew has a mom and dad, he has you."

She wiped away her tears.

"Nothing's going to happen to him."

I looked at her.

"So you figured we'd never leave."

She froze.

"Drew's your own son, he won't hold a grudge."

"I'm your husband, a little coaxing and I'm fine, so the people closest to you can wait as long as it takes."

The color drained clean out of her face.

When we finished eating, she washed the dishes without being asked.

I went back to the room for Drew's sleep sack.

I'd barely come out when she wrapped her arms around me from behind.

"Honey."

My hand almost lifted on instinct.

Five years of habit.

The moment she held me, I'd cover her hands with mine.

My fingertips had already touched the back of her hand.

Marcella felt it and held on tighter.

"I know you still care."

I stopped for two seconds, then slowly lowered my hand.

Pried her fingers open one by one.

The hope on her face went stiff.

"I already made Jude move out."

"Mm."

"I got the keepsake locket back too."

"Mm."

"From now on I won't get involved with anything about Joy."

"Suit yourself."

Her head snapped up.

"What do you mean, suit myself?"

"Alfred, aren't I changing right now?"

"I've gone this far, what more do you want?"

She finally broke.

"I made a mistake, I didn't kill anyone!"

"We've had five years."

"You'd sentence all five years to death over these few months?"

She laughed through her tears.

"Don't act so above it all."

"You used to skip meals for two days straight because you were angry about Jude."

She took out her phone, opened her messages, and held the screen out to me.

"Delete him. Block him, whatever you want."

"Isn't cutting him off exactly what you always wanted from me?"

I didn't take it.

"Alfred, delete him."

I looked at that profile picture.

I really had thought about it, more times than I could count.

But now that the moment had actually come, even touching the screen felt pointless.

"There's no need."

Marcella went blank.

"What?"

"Who you talk to is your business."

"Whether you help Joy from now on is your business."

"Whether you end up with Jude, you don't have to tell me either."

The blood drained slowly from her face.

"What are you saying?"

I set the spare key to the house on top of the cabinet.

"Here's your key back."

"Alfred."

Her voice started to shake.

"Don't do this."

"You can curse me if you're angry, you can make me get on my knees and apologize, just don't say things like this."

I didn't respond.

She lost it completely.

"Didn't you hate Jude more than anyone?"

"How could you suddenly not mind?"

"It wasn't sudden."

"When Drew was drinking rice water, a little went."

"When you went to take care of Joy, a little more went."

"When my son's crib got taken apart and the keepsake locket was hanging on someone else, a little more."

"When he was waiting for his mom at the assessment and she never came, a little more went."

She grabbed my arm and held on hard.

"Then how much is left?"

I lowered my head and took her hand off.

"None."

She looked like she hadn't understood.

"None of what?"

"I don't love you anymore."

Marcella stood there, the tears falling one by one.

Before, I cursed her, I fought with her, I slammed doors over Jude.

All of it because I wanted her.

And now.

I didn't even want to know who she'd choose.